Depression is a bitch.

I can tell you this. Depression is a bitch.

People don't or won't believe you if you tell them as they think that, because you are active, and don't show the symptoms of depression, you don't have it.

You don't see those symptoms as the sufferer will not let you see them. They will hide that from you. Lazy? Try fighting every scenario in your head with each and every result is you failing, which then leads on to every scenario from that resulting in the ones that mean something to you, telling you the job that you attempted to do was not worth the time. This all happens before you can move.

What about trying to talk to someone. Anxiety builds, you think about how this person will perceive you. How can you be yourself without offending them? What if you say something that is taken out of context or is picked up the wrong way? Their view on you now has completely changed. They will now look at you as a weirdo/creep/arrogant/rude/stupid. This is still before you have opened your mouth.

Yea but you are overthinking the whole thing! Yea, I do. I think over everything. The past, the present and, the future. What I said last week, how did that person view it? Did I say something and mean something else? During, midconversation your mind wanders but your mouth may continue to say something completely opposite than you intend. Future, how you think the conversation will go. And this is really where things can get bad. You can have an imaginary argument with yourself and then get angry over something that has never happened. You believe how the other person may react, and above all common sense, you are the blame for it. It will not be the other person you have been having the imaginary conversation with that will blame you, but you yourself. Your concentration can be hard to control. In the middle of doing something, a train of thought will spark and off your mind will go. Your body will go into autopilot, but your mind is a million miles away.

This is a little of what can happen, does happen. Trying to explain depression and anxiety to someone who never has it, is like describing a colour to someone who has never seen in colour.

Having depression you are always in the wrong, always to blame, always the reason things go bad, always the one to make the mistake. I have very very good friends who are there when I need them, and there when I don't. Friends who are ready to listen when I rarely want to talk, and there to talk to me when I want to listen. They wait patiently when I want to be alone, and are there when I need someone to lean on.

To those I have hurt, I am sorry. To those I neglect, I am sorry. To those I am silent to, I am sorry.

This is not a plea for help or pity. Don't kick down the door, they are expensive and it would be unnecessary. This is just a head flush, and perhaps a time to let me try and recover my bearings and sort out what I can in my own head. I am the only one that would dare walk in there and I am the only one who can.

If you have read it this far, thank you for your time and your patience, I need it.

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