Thoughts and events

The following text will give a small insight to the things that have happened and what I am thinking in recent days and months.

Well from last year, almost the month, my partner decided that she no longer wanted to be my partner. Events lead up to this can justify her wanting to leave. I don't blame her and won't blame her. The actions were of my own doing and, although I was not in the right frame of mind, accept them. There has been no infidelity on either person part. So that rumour can be quashed if there was one.

Over the next few months, after asking how things were between us, I had no reply and we grew apart. My feelings I had for her were not rekindled and the fire put out. I still love her, but not in the way I used to. In September, she announced that she was leaving to go back home to England. I then told her I would spend Christmas here and not go with her like I have done over the past 14 years. I sought out solicitors advice and had the house valued.

I spent Christmas alone. The first in a very long time. I both enjoyed and hated it. I was able to do what I liked when I wanted and not have anyone complain of judge what I was doing. It was a relief. Yet, there was nobody here to share anything with. The cat was with me and that was the best company I could have.

When the now Ex came home, we went to the regular New Years party with my friends. She was unsure if I wanted her to go, but I am not a spiteful person. She was at our New Years parties for over a decade now and it felt wrong to deny her a final going away party. I broke the news more or less to those that didn't already know that we were apart and strangely they were not that surprised. They had mentioned my outlook on things had been different for a long time and I was not my usual self.

Well, things have moved from a simple offer to buy me out of my share of the house to the solicitors. Something that is going to cost both of us more money, but if that is what she wants.

So after all that I want to move on and start afresh. I want to leave as much of the past years things behind as I can and move forward. So I thought I would see what the dating game was like after all these years. Downloaded an app for the phone and tried it out. Set it up, paid for 6 months, and added a few pictures of myself that were available to see how things would go.

Well from that I had 2 hits in the first week. Not that bad I had thought, both were striking and looked fun loving. I fought all the anxiety issues and replied to both. Unusually for me, they both replied. So after talking to both for a day or two, one was not interested and went off. The other, well that other one we have been talking for around a week now.

But again with me, things never seem to go straight forward. This past week I was out with friends, but I was still able to keep a conversation going. Somewhere in the conversation, I picked up a sentence wrong. I replied with something completely stupid and it kinda put a big bump in the fastly paced conversation. I have been kicking myself over this for the last number of days. Why did I say that? Why did you not take your time and read it properly? How do they see how now that you have went and said something so stupid as what you did? Slowly after that particular conversation, we got back to chatting again but I don't think the conversation has been able to completely recover since. I guess only time will tell. I hope it does and this particular person has more of the things in common with me that I have suppressed for a very long time. The things I wanted to do and love to do.

Let's hope things change for the better.

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