Spinning and dragging

My head, heart and moods have been all over the show in the last few weeks.

I feel like I have been pulled apart, thrown around, stuck back together in different ways only to be pulled apart once more and now have misplaced a few things. I am struggling to get myself together. I am getting there, but it's a struggle.

Things with the now EX seems to have moved backwards, I have heard that my name is being mingled with scumbag, meal-ticket and other various words of similar descriptions. This has weighed heavily on me. Coming from people that I loved, cared about and would have done anything for. Saying its like finding out that the beloved pet you lost so many years ago was actually put to sleep because of 'reasons' and then told lies to make it easier for you, could be the only similarity I can think of. Your faith and trust in those people have completely gone. What you were told, was a lie.

I am trying to move on. Think less about them, and make new experiences. Find new people. See what I have left.

The past few weeks, I have had my heart broken repeatedly, get a rush of excitement, been crushed from my own stupidity, bouts of inadequacy, lost the feeling of self-worth, have gut-wrenching anxiety, unending sense of hopelessness, and suicidal thoughts. This makes you very tired when fighting most of these things. I would just like it all to end.

I want to talk to someone, try and make a connection. My anxiety says otherwise. This would be the same one that I 'ruined' the other week. I am just wanting to break the wall down but not bother her while doing it.

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