My head and my heart are all in a mess.

Two posts in 2 days, something is not right. So I have had contact with the latest person without me prompting any contact.

They have said that they are in a weird place right now and want to process it all. I have from past experience, and mostly pessimism, this usually means I am not the one for them. They are now looking for an excuse to back out of things and walk away. I would rather they come to this thought in the first place rather than having me hang on in some hope of me being wrong in these cases. It's just the hanging on really does the emotional damage. The toll on my system, making my head go down those stupid strange imaginary routes. Where I make up the conversations, get into the imaginary arguments, come to the wrong conclusions, be angry over things that have not happened. It's all back to the waiting game once more.

Have I done everything in my power to make them see who I am and unrest in hope of it being who and what they want? I am not a picky person. I do not care what they look like, large or small, BBW or thin, beautiful or ugly. I just want them to be honest and true, enjoy the same things I do, and help each other on the same journey. My only regret in my life now is that I have no kids and that was because I chose to be with a person who I loved dearly and I had believed they loved me the same. I was willing to make that sacrifice for them, not to have children, for they already had theirs and not willing to have more. I gave my chance up for love. I am now at an age where I will not be able to find someone that would have children with someone my age. I cannot change this, for time always moves forward. Morbid as it sounds, every second is a second closer to our graves and a second further in our lives. We will never get that time back, so moving on is all we can do. We can run, we can walk, we can skip happily, or we can stumble. I have yet to figure out what I am doing. I want to be at the end and I don't want to miss everything on the way. I don't want to be with people, but I also don't want to be by myself. I want to be alone, but I want someone there.

I can only wait and see what happens.

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