I have been through the dating sites and seen a few women. They have been supportive and understanding. I have been completely upfront with them about the situation I am in, what has been going on and, what I am going through. Some have looked at it in a helpful way. Others have just simply didn't want to know. Those that I have gotten close with I have had fun with.
There was one I got on very well with. We had a good few laughs. Enjoyed each other's company and looked promising. I had told her that I was going through Depression and Anxiety which can sometimes cause me to clam up and not want to talk to anyone or very few people. She had asked as to what she should do if that should ever arise and the only thing I know to do is be patient with me. I will recover myself and come back to normal in a while. Well, a question was asked and I had answered it honestly. I said I had a couple of things that concerned me and it would be better to talk about those at the weekend and talking over the internet was not a good thing to do with this sort of thing. Sadly this did not quell the curiosity and they wanted to know what they were. I reluctantly explained my concerns and this cause a small quarrel. This, in turn, caused me to freak out and clam up and be silent for the next few days, talking to people close to me, that know me, looking for answers. What helped but also didn't help was that work was working me to the bone those days. So chatting was not going to be something I could've done anyway. The silence was then too much for them. I was told that the silent treatment was that of a child and as they had a few children already, they did not want another and wished me the best for the future. I was gutted. This all the while the Ex had been getting ready to move away, and I was being torn up about it all too.
Well I thought, I should best try and get on the horse and continue to ride things out to see if I can recover something of myself and was contacted by another. Right up my street again, great sense of humour. A geek too with many of the same interests as myself. Sci-Fi, Fantasy and, even a little Goth in her too. We have chatted met, talked more, met again. Things seemed so great and then it tails off. It seems that I am again the one chasing them. Starting the conversations, waiting hours for a reply and then getting one or two-word answers.
I do not mind the chase. I love the talking. The cuddles are great. But I am exhausted. I am broken. I need some confidence, some confirmation from someone, anyone, to know that what I am doing is right. I do not want a hookup, I do not want a bed-buddy, I would rather not have an FWB. I would like someone to talk to. To bounce ideas off. To enjoy a little fun with silliness involved. If they have kids, I do not mind. You can only see me a couple of nights a week, ok. I do need someone to show me a little affection. The ex would never do that and I crave it. I need someone to hold my hand. I need someone to hug me. I would like someone to just respond.
I might not be in a great place, but I want to keep moving. I just need the one to be the reason to keep me moving.