Walking the line.

The last few weeks have been really tough. It has been very hard finding reasons to stay around.

I have been thinking more and more about giving up. No matter what I try and do, I fail. When I make a serious effort, it does not work out. Things are not only not going my way, but they are not event anywhere near me. If I feel I am getting somewhere, something will happen out of the blue and knock me back down. They say if it knocks you down, then you get back up. The sad thing is, I am rapidly losing the energy to get up again. I am losing the will to get up again. For every time that I do get up, I know that something I try to do will only knock me back down.

A little look into what keeps knocking me down. Tonight, I have been tired from a very long day and only felt the energy to make a few sandwiches. I stacked them on a plate and added a couple of pieces of fruit. As I go to pick up my drink while holding the food plate, one of the pieces of fruit begins to roll off the plate and I make a move to catch it before it falls. In doing so, the plate loses its balance and 3 of the 4 sandwiches fall on the floor spreading their contents. After a long day where things would go wrong time and time again, this just seems to keep pushing me to the limits. You might say, 'But you are still here!' Only because I have no energy right now to do anything about it right now. That is not to say the bubble won't burst as everything has a limit or breaking point.

Events have hurt me, destroyed my trust in people, and made me feel that I am not worth the time nor effort. Going on like this is no value in life. No pleasure. I enjoy my time with friends, but they are with their own families now. They have their own lives. I have no special talents. I am not good at anything of any value. I am looking now to smallest of reasons to stay. These are the games I play with friends 2-3 times a week. That is it. the fight I go through every day just to get one day closer to enjoying those few hours with people who enjoy doing the same things you do. In those games, it does not matter if you win or lose. They will always make light of it. Make you smile when someone makes a silly mistake. When a flip of a card or a roll of the dice makes or breaks the game. The stories you weave in places that exist in your mind and imagination. They take you away from all the gloom in your life. Those small precious hours are all that makes me fight and battle each day.

I have tried finding someone to spend a little time with but they have either hurt me, ghosted me, or just simply only reply when they want to and it is after I do all the chasing. It makes you feel so unwanted, worthless, useless, unimportant. Why make an effort when you are going to constantly fail. Constantly set yourself up to get knocked down. Over and over. Each time it hurts more than the last. The more I get hurt, the more I look at myself as something that should be avoided. Toxic. Unhealthy. Damaged goods.

If you ever ask me I will always answer 'I'm Fine' and I won't let you believe otherwise.

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