Purpose

Today I have a purpose. A reason.

Today I get two little companions. I need them as much as they need me. Something that I have been craving for a very long time. I have been trying to reach out to friends, to talk to them, converse, be me again. I am not a solo type of person though I like to be alone sometimes. I love being part of a crowd, with someone. To laugh with and enjoy the passing time. With my Ex who I have spent a significant part of my life with. I chose not to have children. They had said they had their kids, and they were not willing to go through the whole process again. There are enough people in the world for any more to be brought in. Me being me, I accepted it because I was in love with the woman. I had been more in love with her and I accepted what she wanted as my own. Then she decided I was no longer what she wanted. It took her a few years to tell me this. All the while the clock was ticking in my own family timer. If I were to have a child now, there is a very good chance I will not be alive to see any grandchildren.

The way I see it now as though she stole my chance to have a family. The time I enjoyed with her, she was not happy with me. I am now at my lowest feeling unwanted and useless. This is compounded with all the pressure that has needlessly piled on to me through work. You may have read that last week I wanted to go. I still do. I can't now, I am needed.

Since the Ex has gone, I have tried the dating game again. I hate it. I hated it before and I still hate it now. Trying to hide yourself to make yourself look acceptable. Dressing yourself up when you really wanna dress down. You want to have someone to hold, squeeze, laugh, laugh, cry, but you just don't in case you scare that potential away. The thoughts that you are making headway with that someone that you like, to have them only to turn around and say that they are working through some 'issues', or they are wanting to take a small break to see if this is what they want and never hear from them again. To see their postings on social media that they are getting dressed up for date night.

It boils down to feeling like your time has been wasted. For it to be gone and never be recovered. You are only here for the background noise and will never be centre stage in someone's life. The more you throw yourself out there, the more you are being torn apart. You bare your soul to someone and let them know your deepest and darkest feelings or thoughts. You let them in to have them rip it apart and leave again.

The time has come for me to go and start my life as the lonely cat person. The grumpy old man who screams at kids. That one person who will deny ever wanting someone or a kid of their own.

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