Today was my day to die.

Things of late have really not been going my way. My life has been falling apart for a while now. Since the 1st quarter of last year. The fiancee said things were over simply, from what I can only gather, because I have depression so doing things myself is incredibly hard and that she would have to do more of the work. Then other events compounded things over the next few months with job losses and new starts. In December I had the house valued and I had made an offer for her to buy me out for a small sum. She refused and said I deserved nothing and would be taking it to the solicitors to take all of it.

This alone has been incredibly hard to handle. All the while I have been civil and polite. I have never said anything bad about her or towards her. I would not have anyone say anything bad about her either. I really do not want my friends to choose between us. It's just the way I am. I know that she has run me down to the ground with her own family, I have seen the evidence first hand and it cut really really deep.

As the I knew the EX was going to be moving out soon, in February I had put a call out to friends for an evening to get together for a night of drinking and blowing off steam in the comfort of people I knew. There was no reply and it made me feel alone and unwanted.

In the end of March things in work really ramped up and orders increased and it was very hard to keep up. The warehouse team kept telling the boss that we had needed more people in the warehouse as the work was just too overwhelming. The manager kept coming back to me saying I should be standing back more and planning the team better to work smarter and not harder. More boardroom bingo bullshit. Once more I put out a call for my friends to get together and give me something to live for. Then at the end of April, the EX moved out. I had come back in the evening to find mostly everything gone. Small things left behind. like our portraits we had got together when we were seeing each other for a couple of years. Keyrings we bought each other. Small little effects. The cat we had got was also going with her so I was completely devastated even though there was very little between us anymore. The door in that life was completely closed.

I was really feeling low. So I called out to my friends for the third time, I needed that evening of drinking, a gathering of close people in my life that would make me feel welcome. I had no reply. Another blow. For the next few weeks, things were being planned for a weekend in Birmingham for the UK largest gaming Expos. I had the holidays reserved since the January, but the boss had yet to authorise them. then 1 week before I was to go away, she called me into her room to say she could not authorise the 2 days away simply because; 1, the days were the start of the month and the stock take had to be taken on that day. 2, the orders needed to be clear. I then had to go and break this news to people I was going away with, and this broke my heart. I couldn't even have the courage to give them a phone call. I just could not bring myself to speak to them.

I was really giving up at this point. I was working harder than before in work and we were getting nowhere. The boss was not listening and still blaming me for the backlog in orders as the warehouse couldn't cope with the demand and should have been working smarter. I was alone in the house. Every night I was coming home to an empty place and the change from having an occupied house to an empty one does a lot to your mind. I wanted to go. This was the beginning. The thoughts were going through my head, the different ways to do it. I had a few moments of clarity and decided that I needed a reason to stay. I had come in up with the idea that I should have someone/something that needed me as much as I needed them. I looked through a local animal rescue sanctuary. I had seen an appeal of two kittens with one having a terminal disease. Then I decided to go and get them the weekend I was supposed to go away. Then it rolled round to the days I was meant to head off to the Expo and the stocktake. As we were clearing the floor for us having access to the shelves, the boss walks in and said that as the orders were so backed up, the stock take will be postponed. My heart sank even further. The days that were cancelled for the stocktake could have been used for my holiday, I could have been away. That night I went and spent more than I should of really, on getting toys and items for my new purpose in life.

Since the end of last year, my friends have been planning a stag event in Prague. We had meetings, conversations, and suggestions for the weekend. Ramping things up as it was getting closer. Since getting the kittens, and going away for the stag weekend, I was at my all time lowest. I had given up on asking who I thought were friends for support as I got nothing from them. I had nobody here to comfort or talk to. The kittens are brilliant and great company but I received a devastating blow 2 days before the stag. Last Wednesday, work decided to terminate my employment for the simple reason of I was working more in the warehouse getting the orders out than sitting back dishing out demands and the bullshit of working smarter routine.

IMy thoughts of taking my own life had been running constantly through my head and I had decided to put the car in the garage and close the doors. I have a pipe that fits over the exhaust and would fit neatly in the boot (trunk for the Americans) and slide through the back seats. I could then run the engine and it would be perfect. Not only that, it would be the day after I come back from the Stag event. Where I live this is 'silly' season where on the 11th night, people celebrate an ancient battle and build bonfires over the land. Lots of marching bands making lots of noise. With the burning of a bonfire so close to where I live, the smell of exhaust fumes would be smothered by the smell of the bonfire and the noise of the car would be drowned out by the noise of the chanting and bands. It would be a few days before I would have been discovered.

I had said to myself I would make the most of the Stag weekend. Laugh and celebrate with the people I had called friends. Taking selfies with them. Giving him a proper send off from singlehood to marriage. and for me to say goodbye.

We went to Prague and had plenty of drinks and laughs. Then on Saturday night, I had stayed out with the Stag, my close friend and the Stags friend. We were drunk, very drunk. Then round a table, advice was being given to the Stag with the only person being allowed to speak was the person with the pretzel stick. The Stags friend gave his advice. Mine and my friend gave his advice. Then it was my turn. My words were clear, concise, and to the point.

When you come home at night and you are having a bad day. Listen to what they say. Be interested even though it could be something that you hate. She will appreciate that you are wanting to take an interest. When/if she asks, then you tell her about your day. She may not show any interest, but don't let it bog you down. Spend time with her. Go out together. Help each other. Offer advice if she asks for it if she does not ask for it ask her if she would like your advice. Never give your advice where it may not be wanted. Above all else and everything listen and talk.

I then ate the Pretzel. They said they were surprised with how good the advice was and what made me come up with it. I had said, I had always listened but nobody had ever listened to what I had said. they had said but we have always listened. It was at this moment I had unloaded the whole truth about the things and the times I had cried out to them to listen to me and they ignored it. I then had said to them about this weekend was my final farewell to the ones I had cared for. I explained my reasons and the method of execution. I then told them all to take this last piece of advice and try and use it. Do EVERYTHING as though you are never going to come back to it. Then you will see how much of an asshole you are when you come back to it again. They were in tears with the realisation about the calls I had placed in the past 6 months. They requested that I do not go through with it. They would make things better. They will work on being better.

So I am here. I am still alive. I have no job, no money, and a very real possibility of no home within 2 months. I have said that I would no go through with anything until the next gathering which they have promised will be by the end of the month. Sorry it was a huge read.

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